25 August 2017
With the election campaign in full swing, The Opportunities Party leader, Gareth Morgan, who has previously stated that he’ll fold his party if Labour will just agree to take on all of his policies, drew criticism when he likened Labour leader Jacinda Ardern to “lipstick on a pig.” Later he said that the public response only served to prove that voters care more about personality than policy, moving swiftly to display an enormous billboard that read “Lipstick
Pig Policy
” against a giant image of his own face. But people continued to express their discomfort, prompting Mr. Morgan’s Director of Communications, Sean Plunket, to step in, tweeting, “Oh ffs be offended then if that’s what you want.”
Back in April, after attracting media attention for tweeting that, “only whores will do anything for money” in reference to the government’s position on freedom-camping tourists, he proudly stated: “It’s a technique I’ve used forever, where you throw the marbles across the dance floor and see what happens.”
In a laid-back interview at Premier House, Bill English opened up about his “incredibly rich” life and suffering “terrible acne” as a teenager, saying that it really made him relate to people who are judged for the colour of their skin.
Former Prime Minister, John Key, was knighted in Auckland before flying out of NZ for a luxury cruise on a “gin palace” yacht around the islands of Croatia, saying that his only regret as PM was not eliminating child poverty. “You can’t click your fingers and achieve a solution to every problem,” he said, adding, “I really miss the VIP cars; they’re fantastic.”
Sir John managed to squeeze in an appearance on three’s The AM Show, where he gifted former Crowd Goes Wild host Mark Richardson a set of personalised golf balls, saying, “I love you,” and pronouncing him “The Voice of Reason.” Mr. Richardson achieved notoriety three weeks ago when his agressive questioning of Jacinda Ardern’s fertility status was reported around the world. Asked for his opinion on the new Labour leader, Sir John said, “The camera loves her.” He then offered seasoned journalist Amanda Gillies some encouragement, saying, “Amanda, you’re doing an amazing job by the way. Yeah. Yeah. You’re doing fabulously well,” before turning back to Mark, who rounded off the interview bemoaning the lack of opportunities to improve his golf handicap, saying, “when you’re running the country, or running a TV show or radio show like I do, it’s hard to find the time.” On gentle prodding from Duncan Garner to perhaps grill his guest further, Richardson queried, “Do you hate the media as much as I do?” in favour of one of the many unanswered questions surrounding Key’s role in the 2010 Afghanistan SAS raids that killed and injured multiple civilians. Richardson then “joked” that despite Mr. Key no longer being part of politics, he was planning to “hang around” outside Sir John’s house on election night anyway.
ACT Party leader David Seymour, who recently launched his book, “Own Your Future,” and has vowed to cut “corporate welfare” to Friday night comedy show 7 Days, labelled NZ First MP Richard Prosser a “f***ing idiot” at a Business New Zealand Conference held at Te Papa, adding that Prosser could “barely manage his own diet and exercise regime,” but that we shouldn’t joke about it.
Across the Tasman, in Australia last week, Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce was “shocked and stunned” to learn that he is a New Zealander by descent, potentially making him one of several MPs who have lost their seats due to a constitutional law specifying that Australian MPs must be citizens of Australia only. Mr Joyce is perhaps most famous for his stoush with actor Johnny Depp in 2015, regarding two dogs that he had brought with him to Australia while filming the fifth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Men Tell No Tales. Mr. Depp was warned that his dogs, Pistol and Boo, had only 50 hours to live if they didn’t “bugger off back to the United States,” despite Mr. Depp’s being voted “the sexiest man alive, twice.” Mr. Joyce has since received the second-most nominations for New Zealander of the Year.
Also in Australia, Pauline Hanson donned a burka in parliament, concerns were raised that people might marry the Sydney Harbour Bridge if gay marriage is legalised, former Prime Minister Tony Abbott admitted to being passed out drunk in parliament in 2009, and it’s been revealed that Aboriginal children who were forcibly removed from their families by the government were given criminal records for being stolen.
Back in New Zealand, United Future leader Peter Dunne, who came to prominence in 2002 when he “turned the worm” on live TV by saying the words “common sense” a lot, has announced that he’ll be resigning after the election, joining Green’s Metiria Turei and Labour’s Andrew Little on the list of party leaders who’ve stepped down in August.
Mike Hosking, who will be hosting a live Leaders’ Debate on national television, said on Seven Sharp that people could only vote for the Maori Party if they are on the Maori roll. This is not true, so on Thursday evening, to clear up his mistake, he explained that the Maori Party was confused.
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